My Rainbow After the Storm

Tomorrow I will be 40 years old and I will also be 30 weeks pregnant.  Just writing that statement brings tears to my eyes.  I’m happy and sad at the same time.  There is nothing wrong with my baby and I am not sad about being pregnant.  I am overjoyed about this baby and can’t wait to meet her.  The tears come because of everything that led to me being pregnant for my 40^th birthday (which was certainly not in my life plan).  

This is my sixth pregnancy but I only have two children.  I had three miscarriages between 2013 and 2014.  I thought the first one was the worst thing that ever happened to me.  It involved two trips to the ER and minor surgery.  It happened right before Thanksgiving.  I couldn’t get over it.  I went through the holidays in a daze.  

Then January came and I thought the new year would be better.  I was so wrong.  Just a few days later, my son, Julian, got sick.  He had a high fever for days and his eyes were bright red and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with him.  I was caring for him day and night and then he was hospitalized for Kawasaki disease.  The stay in the hospital was awful.  The IV treatment he needed lasted 12 hours and then we had to stay for 24 hours to make sure his fever didn’t come back.  He came home and seemed better but his fever returned and he was back in the hospital a few days later for a second treatment.  The stay in the hospital was easier the second time because he was allowed to go to the playroom and he had a more comfortable hospital room.  But he consumed all of my energy.  I barely saw my husband or my daughter.  I was strangely grateful that I wasn’t pregnant while having to deal with all of that stress.  When we went home from the hospital the second time, Julian seemed much better and he looked better.  Then the fever returned and blood tests showed that the treatment still hadn’t worked.  We ended up at the hospital for a third time but this time, we had to go to Seattle because Julian needed to see specialists and get a different kind of treatment since the others hadn’t worked.

My mom came to the hospital with us and stayed overnight with us for the first two nights and she was amazing.  I had a meltdown on the second morning when Julian threw his cup of chocolate milk with his aspirin in it.  He had been on 20 aspirin a day for over two weeks by that time and it was torture trying to get him to take it, whether at home or at the hospital.  When he threw that cup, I finally lost it and said some choice words.  My mom told me to take a break and leave the hospital for a couple of hours.  So I did since I knew she would take care of him just as well as I could.  We left the hospital the next day and never went back.  Even though the treatment worked, he still didn’t fully recover for several months after that.  He tired very easily and hardly ate and we had lots of follow-up visits with his pediatrician and his cardiologist.  (In fact, we just had another follow-up with his cardiologist this week and everything looks great.)  

As Julian continued to recover, I found out that I was pregnant again at the beginning of March.  I couldn’t believe it and didn’t want to get my hopes up.  Just two weeks later, I miscarried.  Before my first one, I kind of imagined that it would just last a day or two and then be over.  But that is definitely not the case.  My second miscarriage lasted eleven days and for at least two of those days, I hardly moved from my recliner and heating pad.  The pain was intense and sometimes felt like being in labor.

After that, I forced myself to feel better.  I walked for almost an hour every day and started training for a 5K.  I was doing pretty good until the week before Father’s Day.  The first baby that I lost had been due on Father’s Day and for that week, that’s all that I could think about.  I was in tears constantly.  Then on that Saturday night before Father’s Day, I found out that I was pregnant again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I wasn’t sure that I could allow myself to be happy about it.  

When I was about 8 weeks along, I went to the OB because I wasn’t feeling well.  She did an ultrasound and said that she saw the heartbeat and that everything looked fine and the baby was measuring just over 6 weeks.  I left the office feeling vaguely reassured but also confused because I knew there was no way the baby could only be 6 weeks.  But I just hoped the doctor was right and everything was fine.  Two weeks later, I knew it wasn’t.  When I realized that I was going to lose my third baby, it felt like I fell into a hole and I was never going to get out.  I barely left the house and my kids watched TV all the time.  I ate whatever junk food was available and curled up in my bed.

It took me a few months and the help of a good therapist to finally feel better again.  I was referred to the infertility clinic for some testing to see if there was a reason for the multiple miscarriages.  They did a few tests and everything was normal so they said it was probably just my age and that I should try to get pregnant again.  But if I did get pregnant again, their clinic would support me and give me early ultrasounds to check on the baby.

On December 1^st, I found out that I was pregnant again.  I was very worried but slightly hopeful too.  I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks that was good, then another at 9 weeks that showed the baby moving.  The doctors said that after seeing that, my chances of another miscarriage had dropped to 3%.  I finally relaxed a little.  I started to actually plan for a baby.  I had more ultrasounds at 12, 16, 19, and 20 weeks.  I just had my last one at 28 weeks.  I started feeling the baby move at around 16 weeks and she has been kicking like crazy ever since.  

My rainbow baby is a girl and the name we’ve chosen for her means “bright.”  She has brought the light back into my life and I can’t wait to meet her. 

Pinterest Inspired Me

I do not like to cook or bake.  I did like to bake once upon a time in college but ever since then, I have just hated to be in the kitchen. 

Then I saw this picture of a brownie pie on Pinterest.  Brownies are okay but I'm fine with or without them.  They're not something I ever crave but if my mom makes a batch, I'll eat some.  However, I saw this pie and thought that it looked very delicious and the recipe is super easy.  So I told my family that I would make one for Thanksgiving and I did.  Tomorrow, we'll see how it tastes and if it lives up to my expectations.

Toy Clutter

I decided that we need to downsize Julian's toys before Christmas rolls around.  I know that he's getting new toys and he has a lot that he doesn't really play with. 

Right now, Julian's three main categories of toys are cars, trains, and tools.  Those are the things that he constantly plays with all day long.  So I figured most of his other toys can go.  I loaded up one grocery bag so far and will probably go through some more tomorrow.  There are plenty of other toys here for him to play with since my parents have a playroom fully stocked with all kinds of stuff.  I think I might help them cull a few things from there too. 

Julian has a few other special toys that he likes and I'll just put them away in a drawer for now to be rotated out later.  I keep thinking about all the toys we have in storage that he doesn't remember and doesn't need.  Most of those will be donated as soon as we get the stuff out of storage.  There are a few I'll keep for Mati but I really want to keep toys to a minimum so my kids will really enjoy the toys they do have.

I Am Not Patient

I am horrible at waiting for things.  I never wait until Christmas or my birthday to see if I'll get a gift that I've been wanting.  I just buy myself things when I want or need them.  Patience is not my strong suit.  Right now, I'm waiting to hear if our mortgage loan got approved.  My lender said the process would probably take 3 days.  It's been a whole week now (okay, I know the weekend doesn't count but still).  I've been trying to keep myself busy doing other things but the waiting is driving me crazy. 

At the same time, I'm waiting for Brian to call.  So right now is not a good time for me since my patience is being tested from all sides.  Hopefully I will learn something from the experience.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

Today I was changing Julian's diaper and he started to pee but he managed to pee in his own face before I realized what was happening.  So I quickly blocked the flow but it just kept coming.  By the time he was done, he had to go straight into the bathtub because he had pretty much soaked himself.  I was laughing the whole time (mostly for the times he peed on me when he was an infant).  It wasn't really funny but if I hadn't laughed, I would have probably cried.  There are so many moments as a parent where the situation is crazy or overwhelming and you could just lose it so you have to laugh to release the stress and the tension.

Later in the day, I heard a strange noise from the dining room where Julian was playing.  I went in there to check on him.  He had discovered a canister of oatmeal on the table and emptied the entire thing into an empty Tupperware container that happened to be on the table next to it.  He had spilled hardly any of the oatmeal on the table and he seemed like he was having fun.  I walked into the living room and laughed before going back to help him return the oatmeal to its canister.  He's always getting into everything.  This time, he hadn't destroyed anything or found anything dangerous, he was simply having fun with oatmeal.  I figure maybe that's a new activity we can do together next time.

Not My Day

I went to the doctor today to get some things checked out.  You never want to hear a doctor say, "It's worse than I thought."  It's just not good.  The procedure that followed was even worse.  It was not a happy day for me.  But hopefully everything will be good now.  That's all I have to say.

Gift Giving and Receiving

This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately, mostly because of the amazing amount of gifts that people have given to Matilda.  Also, my friend Jen's recent blog posts.  Check out her post from today.

We did not have a baby shower for Matilda.  I didn't want one because we didn't need any baby stuff and the primary purpose of a baby shower is to get stuff. 

My friends in El Paso surprised me with a few baby gifts the week before we left while we were having a Girls' Night Out at Olive Garden.  I really appreciated their thoughtfulness.

Here in Tacoma, my mom decided to host an open house so everyone could come and meet Matilda and hang out with the whole family.  To me, an open house is not a gift giving occasion.  Everyone brought gifts.  And not just for Mati.  Almost everyone also brought Julian a gift and several brought gifts for my niece and nephew too.  This was very generous but I didn't want people to bring gifts.

I know that sounds horrible but I'm not a good gift receiver.  I'm just not and never have been.  You can ask my mother.  I returned many a gift throughout the years.  Since Mati is only 2 months old, I am the one receiving gifts on her behalf.  I have to write the thank you notes (a task I absolutely detest) and I have to be gracious and polite about the gifts. 

Now it's not that I don't appreciate the kindness that people are showing.  It's just that I am extremely, extremely picky.  Especially when it comes to anything for my children. 

Here's an example:  I only buy 100% cotton pajamas for my kids, ones that have not been treated with flame retardants.  Natural fibers are not as flammable as polyester and other synthetics so they don't have to be treated with flame retardants (which are nasty toxic chemicals that children should not be exposed to).   Infant sleepers are not treated with flame retardants but I still don't want my baby wearing polyester fleece.   We were given lots of fleece (and not a single gift receipt).   So I donated the gifts to several other needy families. 

If you want to buy a gift for a baby, do not buy clothes.  Everyone buys clothes and the new parents don't get things they really need (like diapers, wipes, babysitting and a night out).   If you absolutely must buy some totally adorable outfit, then at least give a gift receipt so they can exchange the outfit for something they really need.  That might sound tacky but a baby grows so quickly that often they don't have time to wear all their new clothes so other gifts are way more practical.  A new baby really only needs a few onesies and sleepers in each size for the first several months. 

So please don't buy anything for my kids.  Seriously, don't buy them anything.  They don't need it.  If they do need something, their grandparents will get it for them if I haven't gotten it fast enough.

For me, I don't want candles, lotions or bath products, jewelry, clothing, or anything that will take up space in my home.  If you love me, don't give me anything.  If you must give me something, make it a Barnes and Noble gift card so I can download new books to my Nook and there is nothing more to clutter my house.  (Amazon gift cards are also fine because I buy a lot of music from there and I find other obscure things that I can't get elsewhere.)  Someone please tell my husband this.

I have always loved the other side of the equation - gift giving.  For many years, I have tried to put a lot of thought into what the recipient needs or wants.  I always ask my family members what they would like for Christmas and birthdays and I make a list.  Sometimes I end up giving gift cards but only ones that I know will get used.   Gift cards aren't always a great gift.  I have a $50 WalMart gift card just sitting around in an envelope because WalMart is not convenient here and even if it was, I am not a WalMart shopper.  I am a Target shopper.  It was a generous gift but if it's not being used, it's not a good gift. 

I used to travel a lot and I would buy gifts for my family and friends on every trip.  I didn't just buy whatever touristy crap I could find though.  I had fun finding beautiful scarves, tasty snacks, cookbooks, toys, wood carvings, etc.  Each item was lovingly selected by me for each individual.  Gifts are definitely one of my love languages but now I've realized that people don't need (or want) the stuff.  The best gifts I have received lately are those of service. 

So don't buy gifts for Christmas this year, give of yourself.  Make a meal, babysit, clean someone's house, send a nice handwritten letter to let a friend know you're thinking of them.   If you don't get any gifts, be happy that you don't have to spend time taking care of that stuff.